I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
