i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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