There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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