If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
