True but thats because hes a fetus.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
