the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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