Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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