Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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