please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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