Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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