It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
