I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize