Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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