Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
