new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
