Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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