There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
