Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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