I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
