this beer tastes like vomit already
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
