I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
