I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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