clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
