Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
