Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
