if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
