You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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