My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
