There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
