Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Your penis caused this!
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