my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
