Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
