so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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