apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
