she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
