I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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