This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
