We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
