Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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