Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
