i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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