He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
