I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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