gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
