I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
