Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
