meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
