my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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