I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize