I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
