Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
