I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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