Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
