Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
All I want is dick and wine.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
