GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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