I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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