How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize