Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This baby is an asshole
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
