I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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