She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
