Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
