I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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