Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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