Who did Billy Mays play for?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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