so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
